36

Follow link to view / hear this presented as a slideshow:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22gEP338VEI

I had been meaning and wanting to create a new body of visual work for some time, as I have been mainly focused on making animated videos, beat tapes, doing band stuff etc. which took up the bulk of my leisure time and creative inspiration for the last couple of years and I hadn't done much standalone work or things that I could make prints of.Shortly before September hit, I decided to do a series of 36 images - correlating with my current age, 36- that were inspired by my life and things that have happened in it, and or memories that I have held onto. Some of these things are very significant and have affected me greatly. Others may be less profound or meaningful and may just be random recollections of times in my life but still have stuck with me for whatever reason. I decided to take this approach to help myself express and let go of some things, to a degree, that have clearly stayed with me and or bothered me over the years. Art is the closest thing I have to therapy and this was intended to be just that for me - Therapeutic.

Getting some words and images out of my head and onto some digital pages felt good. I cried while writing many of these entries and while drawing these images. Something I have been unable to do easily for some time now, as I must suppress much of my internal worry and distress in order to get by daily as a 'normal' functioning member of society. Some of these experiences I haven't thought about for years. Some I would be okay with forgetting, others I never want to forget. Most but obviously not all of these occurrences happened prior to my being an adult. Now, perhaps these scenes will live less in my head, causing me to relive the past - but will always be collected in this series for me to look back on if I want to.

This exercise leaves me vulnerable and exposed to those who will read and view it. I think that is an important and beautiful part of art. To let out what is inside for people to experience, speculate upon, relate to etc. - Though I don't think anyone is obligated to share anything they don't wish to - or to view anything they don't wish to for that matter. I simply seek to know myself better and be comfortable in what I am. I absolutely see how these self-absorbed attitudes could be seen by others as narcissism. I get that. However, I feel that all of my self serving/focused endeavors have been in an effort to try to find out what makes me 'tick' and or how I could be a better/happier person - not celebrating how cool or great I am as a person or artist - which are not things i necessarily think to be true anyway. I focus mainly on myself because that is the one who torments me, gives me the most ridicule, the one I am always forced to be with and will not escape til perhaps death. If people are turned off by it, I understand. I am uncomfortable with myself and feel that the more I share with others and am not shamed or shunned for it, the more I feel I am closer to being comfortable in my own skin. And if I am shamed or shunned then I feel it further justifies my internal disgust with myself. So win-win, right? Also I should note that this is not a cry for help. My self deprecating adjectives are only half-hearted. I am not as pretentious as I may seem.

By the end of this exercise slash project I was quite exhausted of ideas, tired of reaching for fuzzy details from my childhood and writing about them and bored of the whole thing so some of these entries may be scraping the bottom of the barrel a bit but I guess that's a good thing, it means I got a lot out.

These drawings were all done digitally sometime between early September and October 4th, 2021. The accompanying writings were done during the same timeframe. Obviously doing all of this takes time, thought and editing but I tried to let it all just flow out as organically as possible without too much altering aside from minor touches for aesthetic satisfaction and readability. As of the time of this posting, every image in this collection is available as a framed 5x7" print at either Meg's Vintage Collective in Muscatine, Iowa or White Rabbit in Iowa City, Iowa. Each store has 1 complete collection - meaning 1 print of each image. They may be restocked if demand is high enough, they may not. If you are interested in a print and are unable or unwilling to visit one of those locations - or they didn't have the print you wanted just let me know and I'd be happy to get one in your hands. So, without further explanation or delay - here is '36' - a series of autobiographical images by Cory J. Peak.

Trigger warning; Drugs, Abuse, Sexuality, Violence

1. One day after high school - during my freshman year - I had gone to REDACTED's house and we were on the hunt for some weed. We ended up at a house a couple of blocks from his and had pooled our few dollars together in hopes of obtaining at least a little nugget for our young lungs to absorb. REDACTED handed our money over to his brother and or his friends who did not give us any weed but instead offered us a hit of 'something else'. I was handed a straw and told to inhale as someone held a piece of aluminum foil beneath it and held a lighter to the bottom of the foil until it started to smoke. I realized later on that I had just smoked meth. I didn't think or feel much at the time aside from being particularly sweaty on our walk back to REDACTED's house. Later that evening as I was laying in bed my body shook uncontrollably and my heart was beating out of my chest. I feel very fortunate for that to have been my only experience with smoking meth. It has ruined so many lives and our area has such a reputation for it. I'm pretty sure that was not my friend's last experience with the drug. 

2. Pretty sure it was Easter time. I was running around my grandparents' house thinking I was a pretty cool dude - thanks to my new hat, surely -  and impersonating Johnny Cage's infamous crotch punch maneuver. My Uncle Mike had understandably had enough and firmly told me to 'STOP' - I'm paraphrasing. I immediately recoiled in embarrassment and haven't tried to punch anyone in the genitalia since. 

3. One evening - while sitting alone in my family's living room I heard a crash outside the window - assuming it was maybe a raccoon messing around in the trash, I - in no hurry - got up to look out the window. What I saw was a pickup truck driving through our yard and my mom - grocery bags on her arm - screaming and diving to the ground to avoid being hit by said truck. The truck then hit the front of my mom's car and started to slide around in the snow/ice covered street in front of it. My dad - who was in bed, prior - ran out to the truck and started hollering at the guy. "You almost killed my wife!" being about the only phrase I recall. My dad then started to hustle away from the truck as it became clear the dude was quite fucked up and ready to roll again. My dad and I ran after the truck as it fish-tailed through the often ill-maintained, snowy trailer court streets. When my dad and I caught up to the truck it was parked behind a trailer with the driver slunked down - seemingly in hiding. Moments later we heard, then saw two police cars pull up. Two officers circled the truck on foot, trying to get a response from the driver who was still slumped over. My dad and I shouted details about what had happened to the officers - they told us to stand back. We stood back. In a flash, the vehicle started up and began to reverse - my dad and I hit the deck and saw the officers fire several shots into the truck. The truck took off down the street - cops followed - My dad and I followed - we saw that the driver had bailed from the vehicle and it began rolling backward down the street. The cops found the guy a few blocks away. He died shortly after. I'm glad he didn't kill my mom.

4. This memory is from pretty early childhood. My favored hat at the time - a brown, full-brimmed, dilapidated, Freddy Krueger-esque piece - was blustered out of my grasp and into the street. As I stood there whining like a little bitch - no doubt.  my dad chased down my cap and returned it to me. I think the importance of this to me is that it is symbolic in my memory of the sacrifice and work my dad has always done for everyone in my family and how he has always been there for us all. Also, my girlfriend works in that building and one of my sisters got married there.

5. Here is a picture of me, as a teenager, making my mother cry. She was singing a happy little tune while changing my niece's diaper. I snapped at her for daring to mention the word 'poop' while I was eating the entire Casey's pepperoni pizza she had just gotten for my spoiled little wretched-ass.

6. For a short time in early childhood I had a neighbor named Paul. He was only a couple of years older than me. He was a pig-faced, squinty eyed, chubby kid with a gross little rat-tail. He introduced me to sexual activity. We would 'play' in a tent behind our trailers. He had a stuffed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles doll that was as big as we were. I think it was Raphael. He taught and encouraged me to rub against the doll to stimulate myself sexually, as I am now certain someone else - whether child, adult, family or not, must have taught him. The details are quite scattered and hazy, but I know that whatever we were doing to the stuffed turtle - we began doing to each other. It was confusing. It felt good physically but I had overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. I knew something wasn't right. One day, I ran out of the room and rushed home to 'escape' the situation when Paul had left the room momentarily.  I recall him questioning me about it in an intimidating manner the next time we crossed paths. I acted like I had no idea what he was talking about. I don't know how long this went on but eventually, the feelings of sickness and guilt became so intrusive that I had to confess to my mom what had been happening. I'm sure I made myself out to be more of a victim than I actually felt I was at the time - ashamed of the physical gratification I had felt at times during the abuse. A common characteristic amongst the abused, as I have come to learn. I begged her not to tell my dad or sisters out of shame. I'm pretty sure she still told them. I don't blame her. My mom made sure I didn't play with Paul anymore and he moved shortly after. Years later I heard he went to prison for molestation. I know I wasn't the first or the last person to be manipulated and affected by Paul.

7. I was probably in 8th grade when this happened. I know it was either during or after the summer between 7th and 8th grade because that's when I started smoking weed. Anyway, a friend of mine and I stayed the night at my place and came up with the grand idea of stealing several giant bags of empty pop cans from the Pepsi distribution company that was right next to my trailer court. I hid out by the fence while REDACTED - being more fit for the job - climbed over, tossed a couple of bags to me and we stashed them til the next day. From what I recall, our first round of 'cashing in' was a success. We bought a sack of poor quality marijuana, smoked like kings and treated a few of our friends to some south-end Muscatine Pizza Hut. We were on top of the world, clearly. The next day's attempt to cash in was a fail. Upon unloading our sack's at the grocery store in preparation for refund we were met by police and employees of the distribution company. We had been spotted on camera and apparently they had been watching us over the course of the last day. Both REDACTED and I got arrested. It sucked. I remember I had a joint hidden in the padding on my bicycle. I smoked it shortly after getting home from the police department.  My dad said the right thing to do would be to go to the distribution company the following day and apologize to the owner. I never did. I read in the news paper over the summer this last summer that the kid who stole the pop cans with me passed away. He had 2 kids. 

8. This one represents the financial struggle I saw my parents go through. I was a pretty damn spoiled kid in many ways. My parents both did whatever they could to make sure I had pretty much anything I ever wanted. Air Jordans, concert tickets, CD's, JNCO's, fast food, video games - you name it. In retrospect I wish I weren't so materialistic. So demanding and needy without understanding the reality of money. I saw my mom cry about money a lot. I used to dream of being rich and wiping so many problems away for so many people. 

9. One year I got this Wolverine costume for Halloween. I was probably super particular about it and I bet I made my mom special order it or take me out of town to get it or some shit. My sister and her boyfriend at the time helped me get it on and or were in charge of checking on me to see if I was 'ready'. As with many of these recollections - the details are a bit unclear. I do remember thinking that I was going to actually look like THEE mother-fucking Wolverine. Not some dumb ass, non-muscular child in a foamy costume. However, the latter was indeed the case and I was devastatingly disappointed. I was miserable and embarrassed at how silly I looked. Perhaps the beginning of my realization that I was no X-Man.

10.  This picture represents the two times in high school that I went to a dance. Both times I was asked to go by female friends. I accepted the invite both times despite the thought of school dances filling me with dread and pain. I am sure the girls were more 'romantically' interested in me than I had cared to acknowledge which added to my discomfort. I was probably a terrible date. I wish I could have been more easy going and a more fun-loving person for other-people's sake, at least.

11. There was this kid named Jon that lived down the street from me for a while, during my childhood. I don't remember having anything against him but for some reason myself and another neighborhood kid decided one day that we would make poor Jon the target of what was, and is, to this day the worst act of violence I have ever committed against another human being. I took Jon by one arm as the other kid grabbed the opposite. We then proceeded to slam Jon's face directly into a light pole - quite hard - we both took off running like the irresponsible little psychopath's that we apparently were. I felt extreme exhilaration followed by extreme guilt. 

12. My friend REDACTED and I were drinking with a handful of people at a house up the block from his. A couple of older and presumably cooler 'kids' hung out and or lived there. At some point late in the evening REDACTED unknowingly grabbed what was the 'last beer'. One of our hosts - a guy that was at least 10 years older than us named REDACTED - who was not pleased by this fact, made REDACTED aware of this to which REDACTED   replied 'Fuck You' in a quite non-threatening and playful manner. REDACTED didn't take this lightly and what began as a silly drunken argument over the last can of piss water soon escalated into a rather scary situation. I was in high school. I don't know how old I was. I don't know why I didn't stop any of this or say anything, aside from the fact that I was probably in shock, disbelief and also a drunk child. REDACTED and some other beefy, 40 year old looking piece of garbage pulled a gun on my friend - They were waving it in his face and took turns cutting off chunks of my friends hair. He loved his long hair. He took pride in it and I think it was an important part of his self image.  A week or so prior another kid we knew was drinking at that house and ended up getting his eyebrows shaved off - abuse at the hand of these fucks apparently was not an isolated event.

13. On at least one but honestly probably multiple occasions, I picked dirty underwear off of the floor of my friend REDACTED's sister's room and smelled them for sexual gratification.

14. I had a girlfriend named [REDACTED] from the time I was 17 til the time I was approximately twenty-five. She was 10 years older than me. She was my first 'real' girlfriend as I was too socially awkward and riddled with stress to actually date in high school. She was a friend of my sisters, she had trained me at work and when the training ended we started to hang out here and there. Our relationship became physical pretty quickly. I lost my virginity to her when I was eighteen. I didn't really want to be in a relationship but was too 'wishy washy'  - a term she often used to describe me - to just say so. We kept everything secret at first - even that we were hanging out - probably due to the age difference. Eventually my parents/family found out and though it seemed a little strange but everyone liked her and all was pretty fine and dandy for a bit I guess as [REDACTED] was a pretty decent and enjoyable person for about 50% of the time. We shared a lot of interests - art, music, comedy. However, it was pretty fucked from the start. She had a lot of issues with abuse, growing up around alcoholism etc. She needed someone strong in her life that had direction and shared her values and beliefs and I was not that. Nor should she have been looking for that in a 17 year old boy anyway. I realized and expressed that I didn't think we should be together pretty early on, then the cycle of abuse started. In retrospect, I know I did a lot of things that hurt her - seeing as how she saw our relationship as much more 'serious' than I did from the start. I felt like just before meeting her I was figuring out who I was as a young adult, feeling positive, free and anxious to explore the world and myself. Being in this relationship put a damper on my creativity, my already very low desire to interact socially with others and myself expression for sure. I would be manipulated into situations and asked questions - the answers to which would later be used to shame me. I was yelled at and often called a loser - threatened with suicide regularly - involved in very dangerous situations involving vehicles. I was also often made to feel guilty for having parents who love and support me. She would be extremely praising and admiring of my artistic endeavors verbally but when the time came to actually be supportive by accompanying me to events/performances etc. she would vanish, start a fight for seemingly no reason at all or be puking in her car down the block. My naive self became more and more aware that [REDACTED] had a serious alcohol problem and eventually aware of her equally serious eating disorder. She suffered from bulimia as I finally guessed and she admitted to.  Another 'secret' in our relationship that  I couldn't dare share with anyone. As I joined her often on her binges - I began to develop similar issues that I have dealt with off and on since being with her. Mainly in the overeating department. Though, I have always struggled with this to a minor degree - using food as an easily accessible and cheap way to get the serotonin flowing. I tried to end the relationship many times - either by calmly conversing or by straight up running from the vehicle while it was stopped to break free from verbal or physical abuse. Everytime I felt bad, guilty or responsible for potentially causing more damage to her so I would go back and start the cycle over again. I heard later through the grapevine that she cheated on me. She probably did a whole lot of shit that I was completely oblivious to. Whatever. All I really wanted was closure - for her to say we are done and that she would leave me alone. The relationship didn't end until her alcoholism got so bad that she was hospitalized for a bit - forcing us to be apart. I almost gave up my life for this person - was ready to just accept that this was what I had to deal with for my entire life until she or we were dead. I am so grateful that is not the case. I hope she's in a better place and done causing harm to herself/anyone else. Clearly I have a lot to say about that subject - it was a big part of a very formative period of my life and that is only a fraction of my side of the 'story'. Vent done. Anyhow, relationships are complicated. Advice: Don't lead people on. Don't pretend to be someone that you are not. Don't put up with abuse. Just leave. Be who the fuck you want to be and if someone isn't supporting that then rid them from your life.

15. In the summer of 2019 I spent the night in Minnehaha County Jail in South Dakota after getting pulled over and arrested with my band for having a bunch of weed. We ended up getting our charges completely dropped but that whole ordeal is a story for another time. This image is a representation of that night in my cell -  me laying on the bunk just trying to sleep until it was time to leave - my cellmate Tyler or Trevor..Something with a T handing me a concoction he had just made consisting of ramen noodles, some spices, possibly hot Cheatos. I don't know what else. I forgot what he called it. I took a bite to be courteous but had no appetite. All I wanted to do was sleep. Tyler paced around back and forth mumbling things to me and asking questions periodically - he was a bit hard to understand but all in all I could've spent my time with someone much less civil and was grateful for his hospitality. One of the other inmates said something like 'I want what you're on' during mealtime insinuating that he was on some sort of stimulant. Which might've been why he was pacing and so chatty. 

16. I was outside of my friend Travis' place on 4th Street getting ready to leave for an art exhibit that Travis, myself and our friend Jon had going on that night in Des Moines when I saw the future love of my life for the first time. She was walking up the street with headphones on. Petite, bright-red short hair, red lipstick, really cool platform saddle shoes. She was a neighbor of Trav's and he introduced us. I was immediately attracted to her both physically and in the friendly and kind way that she spoke and interacted with us. She messaged me on Facebook shortly after we met. We met up and took a walk the first time we hung out. She brought a container of tea for each of us to drink and we each brought a pre-rolled blunt - we did not plan this - how cute. I feel like we connected a lot the first time we hung out and it was the first of many walks through town - just chatting, laughing, learning about each other and observing our surroundings. I asked if she was in a relationship the first time we hung out, to which she responded 'kind of, I don't know' - paraphrasing.. anyway she didn't say 'Yes' - giving me hope and a reason to not completely suppress my romantic feelings urges. We became best friends - hanging out all of the time - wee morning hours, late night hours, after work. Eventually, she was able to navigate her way completely out of the toxic, abusive and confusing relationship she was tangled up in and moved in with me. Our relationship continued to grow and now we have been together as 'official' partners for 9 years. I've never felt so comfortable, at ease and yet excited and in love with anyone in my life. 

17. There was a period of time about 10 years ago, for approximately 2 months that I was regularly using cocaine. I didn't ever use or even try it before this period of time and I haven't since. I had the chance and had been offered the drug many times but was self-aware enough of my addictive personality to 'Just Say No'. I was sure that I would probably quite enjoy it and that I would not want to stop or be able to stop doing it once I crossed the line - no pun intended. One day, against my better judgement I decided 'Fuck it' and tried some. Then I bought some. Then I continued to buy and use it as much as possible until I decided that I either was going to continue doing this indefinitely - or stop completely. It felt so great - feeling chatty, social, energetic, ambitious, not hungry, losing weight. But then, a sharp drop when the very short term high wore off - instant depression, anxiety and lack of desire to do anything but sniff another line. Then again, then again. I weaned myself off of it. I can still taste it when I think about it and frankly sometimes still to this day will crave a big fat line. So crazy. I am proud of myself for overcoming that. I could have easily gone down a very dark and destructive path.

18. My neighborhood, childhood friend Russell and I thought up and participated in an activity that we dubbed 'Frog Bashin'. We would have a parent drive us to a park or somewhere with a pond or lake and we would walk around the parameter after finding an appropriately fitting stick. We would creep up on any frogs we saw and attempt to 'bash' them. It was a thrill. It makes me chuckle to think of my mom relaxing and reading a book while we stomped around in the mud searching for small animals to bludgeon to death for fun. We were so into it apparently at one time that Russell's dad even polished up and lacquered one of his whackin' poles. I also remember our trailer court pond flooding almost every year and a huge abundance of tadpoles, then baby frogs just swarming the area. I remember squashing some of these poor little fellas with a rock. Aside from my short-lived reign of terror on the amphibious race, I recall being quite empathetic and compassionate toward most living creatures in my youth. 

19. I used to really hate going to school. HATED. In fact, I never really enjoyed it much at all - I didn't even finish high school. I don't know if this started in Kindergarten but I know at least from grades 1-3 I had serious emotional issues that made it very difficult for me to attend. I would cry and beg my mom not to leave me at school. I would cry to the teacher because I missed my mom. I was always 'sick' and trying to go home mid-day. Bottom line, I just didn't want to be at school or away from my mom. One day, when I was in either 3rd or 4th grade, as my mom was trying to get me to go into the building I threw a particularly savage fit and screamed that I was going to 'Kill all of the kids in the school' and or the teachers or something to that effect. Eventually, I went into the building that day. The counselor called me to her office and talked with me about the situation - my mother, worried - had informed her. I don't remember what the counselor said exactly or how I responded. I was embarrassed by my actions/words and also felt betrayed by my mom. I didn't have any actual intention of harming anyone. I was just making empty threats and saying whatever I thought would keep me from having to go to that place that I found so intolerable. My mom got a stuffed animal for me - probably more than once - that I could keep in my locker/backpack to look at when I felt sad about missing her. I feel like my fits lessened after this event but my disdain for school remained.

20. I took L.S.D. 5 - 7 times in my youth. Mostly in middle school. I remember taking it one year on the 4th of July and walking the riverfront path after the fireworks show. Looking at the factory lights/smog from the Grain Processing Corporation was so surreal. That night I saw patterns of Greatful Dead bears dancing EVERYwhere and Pink Floyd hammers marching in my friends basement. Manifestations of images my mind must have associated with drug culture - understandably. Most times I took acid were spent laughing, crying and talking with close friends through the night and early morning about the insanity of existence and the incomprehensible vastness of space among many other things. I feel like those experiences cracked a part of my brain open and I became a more 'aware' and sensitive person. Sometimes when you hear or think things in a certain, unusual way - it sticks with you and affects who you are to become. Perhaps also in not so great ways, which I don't often consider.

21. My maternal grandma - the grandparent I was closest to at the time, passed away from cancer when I was pretty young leaving me with very confused thoughts regarding religion/god. I feel it was a monumental event in regards to my attitude taking a turn towards nihilistic tendencies. I have a vague memory of driving in the car with my mom and expressing to her with tearfilled eyes that I didn't think I believed in god anymore not that I was a devout Christian prior. I have a memory of my grandpa saying 'That's just it, Cor.' and breaking into tears to me outside of their home after my grandma had passed away inside. I remember her skin being tinged yellow. I remember not saying 'Goodnight' to her the night before she passed away as I had done regularly at that time. Hearing from outside of the house, one of my uncles screaming in agony when left alone with her body. All of my grandparents were dead before I made it to adulthood. I think the death, sickness, hospitals and all of that stuff made me feel pretty hopeless about life but I am grateful for the time I was able to spend with them.

22. One or Some of my sister's friends had brought over VHS copies of both Ninja Scroll and KIDS and left them at our house. Pretty sure it was during the same rough time period. I knew that I wasn't supposed to watch them due to whatever content was in them/what their ratings were. Of course, I was intrigued even more by them because of that. What kid wouldn't be? So, anyway I snuck those tapes out when I was alone on multiple occasions and watched them. I was aroused and fascinated by many things that probably should have made me turn off the T.V. in fear/disgust. Both films coincidentally featured depictions of violence non-concensual sex, among other distasteful things, as some of you are surely aware. I also remember getting Mortal Kombat II the day that it came out on Super Nintendo when I was 7 or 8 and was pretty much obsessed with the game anyway by that point. I guess I am just making note here of some of the media I was fascinated by as a kid. 

23. One time my cousin, whom I consider one of my very best friends and myself decided on a whim to rent a canoe at Loud Thunder - a nearby park with a lake that allowed different types of boat rentals. Shortly after taking off from the shore, the canoe tipped back and forth uncontrollably and got a lot of water in it. By the time we made  it halfway across the lake it tipped and we both fell in the water. We had lifejackets on. I began to swim as quick as I could for the shore - laughing at how absurd and embarrassing the situation was but not feeling endangered - I heard my cousin shouting for 'HELP!' after a moment. I looked over and noticed he was struggling and starting to lose control. I, still giggling in disbelief, swam over to my cousin and helped him get ahold of the boat and stabilize himself. He could swim. He must have panicked. An irritated ranger came and picked us up and took us back to shore. We drove back home, surely laughing about our brush with death and what idiots we were the whole way.

24. There was a short period of time during my highschool years that I would cut myself. Not an uncommon thing for a 'mad at the world' angsty teen to do by any means. Not too deep or hard or anything. I wasn't doing it for attention. Actually, I really didn't want anyone to notice. One day my mom saw some cuts on my arm and questioned me about them with worry in her eyes. I was terrified and I think I just brushed it off at first and said it was our cat or something, I don't recall for sure but whatever I said was detectably untrue so I somehow conjured up this ridiculous cover story, on the fly, that a kid at school had cornered me in the restroom, wouldn't let me pass and cut my arm several times before I could maneuver around them - 'Who was it! What did he look like?" my mom exclaimed to which I replied 'I don't know, I've never seen him before, some Mexican kid'. Really? How racist. I think implying that they had brown skin was just me trying to put the blame on someone that didn't even have the same color of skin as me, so it couldn't be me - it wasn't even a white kid'. I don't really think that was any deep seeded subconscious racism coming out or anything but it was pretty an awfully stupid thing to say regardless. I probably didn't do much cutting after that interaction.

25. As a youngster I liked to shoot hoops, toss the ol football around and participate in team sports - I hung out with some kids that were fairly popular and or athletic and whatnot. you know, Preps. I was on a tackle football team that was pre-middle school or like 6th grade or something, i don't know. Anyhow, we had an early morning practice at one of the coaches houses one day and I remember the team being split  into what was essentially the A and B teams. One side being the faster/better kids and the other being the slower/not as athletic kids. All of my friends were on the A team. I was on the B team. I feel like I realized that day that I was not going to be a great athlete and my baby little heart broke a little. 

26. I was hanging out at the aforementioned redacted's house where something debaucherous always seemed to be afoot. At one point he put a pornographic video cassette in the VCR and left the room for a considerable amount of time. I decided it would be an ideal time to masterbate and proceeded with that train of thought and action. Shortly after I had 'finished' my friend came back into the room. He pretty much insinuated that he had watched me - through a crack or keyhole or something. I acted like I didn't know what he was talking about. 

27. Another example of my minor case of separation anxiety - I used to watch out the window, awaiting my parents arrival home anytime they had gone anywhere without me as a young kid. I'd be extremely concerned that they got in a car wreck or were murdered or something like that. I also used to always worry and think about when my parents would die and how unbearable that experience was going to be. In reality, I worry and think about their deaths and the effect it will have on me less and less as the events come inevitably closer. 

28. I got pulled over one night for not stopping very well at a stop sign when I was a kid. I smelled like weed. As usual. They searched me and my vehicle - while they were searching a one-hitter fell out of my pants that I had stashed and clanked on the cement - They didn't hear it. They didn't find any weed and wanted to call my parents - I told them my parents weren't home and didn't give them the number. They wouldn't let me drive because they quote unquote knew I had been smoking. I told them I would walk to my uncle's house down the block and come get my car tomorrow - they got another call apparently and rushed off. So, I walked around the block. Picked up my one-hitter, got in my car and drove home. 

29. I've struggled with alcohol here and there in my life. I've gone through times of drinking and driving. I've gone through periods of time during which I drank every day. I got pulled over once after having a couple of beers and chucked a bottle out of my passenger window - which splashed all over my dash and seat - before getting a ticket and then later having to attend some class that was like a step below getting charged with Driving under the influence. I popped a tire once, drunk, after hitting a big rock in someone's driveway on my way to a dog sitting job. My dad confronted me about it the next day - the guys that towed my vehicle told him there were beer bottle tops in the vehicle. I even smelled like beer when my dad took me to pick the vehicle up. I told my dad 'I just didn't care anymore'. He said 'You better start caring'. As the years go by I struggle less and less with alcohol. I seldom drink these days aside from using it as a social lubricant and nerve calmer prior to performing at musical events. As with most intoxicants, for me - the temporary high is usually far overshadowed by the depression caused by the wearing off of effect.

30. My dad was always a meat cutter or butcher of some sort either as a part time job or as his full time occupation. I find some comfort in the smell of cold cuts of beef and pools of blood in styrofoam packaging as it reminds me of my dad coming home from work. Despite me being a vegetarian for the majority of my life post 10th grade I have always been very fascinated by dead animals, flesh, bones, meat etc. My dad brought me home deer antlers on a couple of occasions and one time, the foot of an ostrich. I took a bunch of photos of deer at the facility that he processed at one time for my highschool photography class. 

31. My family had 2 pet rabbits for a while at one point in my childhood. One day during a very hot summer one of the rabbits had a heat stroke - my dad dunked the rabbit in our kiddie pool in hopes of cooling it off. No luck saving it. I just remembered that the rabbits' names were Pumpkin and Marshmallow. Pumpkin was the one that died. The reason I chose to make the rabbit look like Thumper from Bambi is that I used to have a stuffed Thumper doll. It was my favorite stuffed animal for a long time. After my neighbor Paul had molested me, Thumper became my private, at home version of Raphael. 

32. Shortly after my breakup with my aforementioned girlfriend I watched Zeitgeist on YouTube - I hadn't watched it when we were together because I knew  that it heavily questioned religion and free thinking was pretty much not okay for me to do without ridicule or backlash from her. I know now that a bunch of the stuff in that film is garbage but nonetheless at the time it blew my mind a bit and I began to feel woke once again. Ha. Anyway this pretty much sent me on a years long binge of watching pretty much every conspiracy related thing I could get my eyeballs on - I watched infowars regularly for a time, I watched like all of Alex Jone's films, 9/11 stuff, Bohemian Grove, you name it. Anyway, I guess I'm just glad I'm not completely consumed by that sort of stuff anymore - there is so much misinformation out there - I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that we're all fucked. I am glad I was able to be discerning enough to not fall completely off the deep end. 

33. One time I remember entering the home of a friend of mine's brother's girlfriend or some shit without them knowing and stealing a little piece of a nugget of weed that was in a pill bottle in their bathroom drawer. I was surrounded by little amatuer thugs at the time and fell into behaving as they did on occasion. Despite myself being a victim of petty theft and knowing what it feels like to be on the other side of it. 

34. As mentioned earlier, I have struggled minorly with some eating disorder - there have been times that I have gone through multiple drive throughs consecutively to obtain mass amounts of food, gorged on said food then purged said food. It is a disorder of compulsion, of control or lack thereof. I don't feel compelled to do this consciously anymore. Sometimes I do overeat but it is never because I know that I am going to throw it up afterward. 

35. I think it was summer time - I was sitting at my kitchen table with my family and maybe some friends. I don't know. The room seems full in my memory. My sister Jen walked in very upset about the way things were going for her in life. She stated that 'Everything is going down the toilet' and went on to list several things that were 'going down the toilet' and as she finished her statement 'and going down the toilet along with all of that is..' - I interrupted with a smart assed 'YOU?' which I must've thought was terribly clever at the time. I just remember Jen running to her room and being extremely upset. I immediately felt like a slimey turd.

36. I stayed the night at a friends house for his birthday party in maybe 2nd or 3rd grade. Everything was pretty fun and normal except for when his giant father decided to give him his 'birthday spankings' in front of all of his friends. It was very bizarre and embarrassing, i presume for everyone